Random Jokes

[Guardian]

There you go, reading of the year....

Paddy

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed one night and the neighbours dog is barking. Paddy says f**k this and storms off downstairs. 5 minutes later he comes back upstairs and his wife says "what have you done and why is the dog still barking?" Paddy says "I've put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it."


Red Neck Joke

A son comes home from college to West Virginia and tells his dad about a wonderful girl he’s met.

"Dad, she’s fantastic. She’s smart, in great shape, and she’s getting her teaching certificate this spring. I’m going to ask her to marry me, but…"

“But what, son?” asks the father.

"She’s a virgin."

The father scratches his beard and says, “Son, if she ain’t good enough for her own family, she damn sure ain’t good enough for ours."


Perfect Woman

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and made me miserable as often as she made me happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I given up, I am now 40, and am looking for a woman with very big breasts.


If you think life is bad. How would you like to be an egg?

* You only get laid once.
* You only get eaten once.
* It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft.
* You share your box with 11 other guys.
* But worst of all.... The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.
So cheer up.....Your life ain't that bad!!!


Bad Aim

A nun and a Priest were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly.

The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Shit, I missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.

And from the sky comes a booming voice .......

"Shit, I missed."

A Chinese Couples First HoneyMoon (ahh loved this one )

A Chinese couple gets married -- and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My dal-ling" he says, "I know dis you fus time and you vel-ly flighten. plomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting, jus anyting, you wan, you say. Whatchou wan?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I wan ... numba 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries........ "You want... Beef wif Bloccoli."?


Three Buttons

There was this guy who ate 10 burritos before he got on a plane. It was already 2 hours into the flight and his stomach started to act up. He went to both bathrooms, but they were both occupied by men with a worse condition than his. He started to sneak into the vacant women's bathroom, then the flight attendant stopped him. He begged her, "Please! I really need the bathroom right NOW! I don't think I can hold it in any more.

" She replied, "OK, but promise me that you won't press any buttons inside." He nodded and went inside. He finished his business and saw three buttons on the side. He saw a yellow, a green, and a red.

The dumbshit he is, he didn't listen to the flight attendant. He pressed the yellow one, and it sprayed his ass. He was very relieved with this. Then, he pressed the green one, it wiped and powdered his ass.

Then he pressed the red one, and he passed out. He woke up in a hospital and saw the flight attendant by his side. She said, "You pressed the red button didn't you?" He nodded sadly. He asked, "What happened to me?" She replied,

"The red button was a tampon remover. Your penis is in the bucket next to you."


Nursing Home Driver

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair, making sounds like she's driving a car.

As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am, but you were speeding, can I see your driver's license?"

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way. Up and down the hall again she goes, making sounds like she's driving a car.

Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am, but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?"

She digs around in her purse and pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.

She zooms off again, up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again, he jumps out. He is stark naked and has an erection!

The old lady in the wheel chair looks up at the man and says, "Oh no. Not the Breathalyzer again!"







I found this interesting, some truth behind it. No offense to anyone though, its just a joke.

An Asian man and a White man were sitting in a pub.

The White man said: " I can't even come into my local pub
without these coloured people being here"

The Asian man turned around and stood up. He then said:
listen ....when i was born, I was BROWN, "

"When I grew up, I was BROWN, "

"When I'm sick, I'm BROWN, "

"When I go in the sun, I'm BROWN, "

"When I'm cold, I'm BROWN, "

"When I die, I'll be BROWN."

"But you...."

"When you're born, you're pink, "

"When you grow up, you're white, "

"When you're sick, you're green, "

"When you go in the sun, you turn red, "

"When you're cold, you turn blue, "

"And when you die, you turn purple."

And you have the nerve to call me coloured??!!!" [/b]

[turtle22]

good ones thanks for the laughs!

[Destiny]

ahha, to funny, keep em' comming

[Nameless]

Really funny jokes. Enjoyed most of them.